


Making things right

by EdeatheDemonFox



Series: Criminal Minds: Clair [1]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fractured Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Recovery, crying fit, slight mentions of Maeve's death, talking things out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29500632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdeatheDemonFox/pseuds/EdeatheDemonFox
Summary: Air seeming to suck the very life from all around it, no stars in the sky like a black hole had come and swept everything away. No crickets chirping or cicadas to fill the precarious silence.Just...the two of them. Clair and Spencer. Their souls laid bare for the other to cradle tenderly, or crush into fragments of dust, if only they would even give the other the chance. A fighting chance...at a second chance.-Spencer's really gone and fucked things up. They've been fucked up for awhile. Now, all he can do is try his best to make them better.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Criminal Minds: Clair [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2166963





	Making things right

**Author's Note:**

> So...yet again, life is proving...fickle for me right now. And the ironic thing is that Clair came to me when my life was behaving pretty decently. My mom got me into Criminal Minds and at first sight, I fell in love with Spencer, though I tried to deny it, but it didn't take long until he finally captured my heart, hook, line and sinker. 
> 
> Clair is part OC, part persona, and she's become incredibly important and precious to me. She's like me in a lot of ways, but also better in a lot of the ways I wish I was. She's strong, emotional, reliable, hardworking and loyal. And I love her. Hopefully that doesn't sound too narcissistic. 
> 
> Anyway, obviously, she's with Spencer and is also a part of the BAU. I know, not the most creative, but I saw it for her immediately, and I also love the camaraderie the team shares and knew she was meant to be a part of their special, little family. Needless to say, I'm writing little snippets of her included in a lot of different episodes, but she still has her own original pieces I would love to legit add to the show if I could. Like everything that goes on involving the Maeve stuff. 
> 
> Speaking of which, I bumped all that up timeline wise because I know it happens in S8, but Emily leaves in S7 and I love Emily and wanted her to be there for all of what goes on with Clair. So the stuff with Maeve (and the SpenClair stuff that comes after) happens after S5 ends, but before S6 starts. 
> 
> I know a lot of people are against and hate on yume shipping and personas and all that, but Clair has become just as important to me as all my other characters and I positively love and adore Spencer, so why not? Why wouldn't I do something that makes me happy? I just hope that people enjoy this and grow to like Clair as much as I do. Which even if they don't, I'm still going to be uploading a lot, so...be prepared, I guess!
> 
> Oh, and an important note that I forgot to add, Clair and Spencer weren't together before the Maeve stuff, but Spencer does come to her and say that he needs a break from whatever's going on between them. That he met someone amazing and she's so smart and how with Clair, he's never been so confused, but with Maeve, he's not confused anymore. (Yeah, he's just in denial!) 
> 
> Anyway, so I still need to write that particular scene, but this is the aftermath of it. After Maeve's death, and after Spencer's had some time to heal.
> 
> Again, I hope you enjoy! Please leave any comments or feedback or critique if you'd like and remember, it can help make someone's day a little bit better if you do!

Clair did her best to keep her gaze averted as she gathered her things up, more than ready to head home for the night, but she honestly couldn't help it. Her eyes were drawn to Spencer's like a moth to a flame; streetlights dancing across the sidewalk, illuminating the night.  
  
She could have felt his stare from miles away honestly, and with the way things currently were – unsettled like stomach acid refusing to go down the esophagus – it was the most uncomfortable Clair had been in what felt a long time.  
  
Maybe it was the fact that Clair was reluctantly willing to trade stares with him, but Spencer obviously felt emboldened enough to reach out to her then, and Clair saw it coming before he even opened his mouth.  
  
And maybe it did mean something, that their gazes collided head on like a crash between two freight trains, scattering into stardust once the initial impact had worn off.  
  
In her haste to get away before he could open his mouth and she was stuck in an awkward position, she dropped two of the case files she had been planning to take home for the weekend. Spencer slowly bent down and picked them up so that he could hand them to her with nervous hands, an unreadable look on his face the entire time.  
  
Well, that wasn't entirely true. A look of anxiety and remorse, lingering regret as powerful as the shade moonlit sorrow could cast on any unsuspecting person. All of it mixing together to form a dangerously exotic cocktail that Clair felt drawn to, but couldn't afford to get close to. Not like before, not like...  
  
"Clair, can we...can we talk?" came Spencer's soft voice, unsure, but sounding like an alluring mix of agape and pragma that sent Clair's heart into an aching, monochrome spiral.  
  
"I don't know. Can we?" she couldn't help but ask back somewhat viciously.  
  
He seemed taken aback by the quiet ferocity in her voice, the fierce defensiveness in her eyes. Good.  
  
"Look, I...uh, know that I should have handled things better with all that's been going on. I'm sorry for all of it; for everything."  
  
"You're going to have to be more specific than that, Spencer. _'All'_ and _'everything'_ don't really help out here."  
  
"I just mean that...uh, well...everything with Maeve and how I hurt you by handling things. _I'm so sorry_. I truly never meant to hurt you. But a good thing did come out of it because I realized that the only thing holding me back from taking things to the next step with you was the fear of intimacy and I -"  
  
"The fear of intimacy?” Clair’s voice was pitched low in disbelief. “ I'm not going to lie and tell you I don't understand that particular feeling, because I do, but..."  
  
Spencer gave her a brief hopeful look, so earnest and full of childlike innocence, only for it to deflate the instant her voice trailed off. "But?" he asked so softly that his lips barely moved.  
  
"That doesn't change the fact that you hurt me. You didn't mean to, I know, but you did. And...now I feel like I can't trust you again." A ragged sigh blew from Clair's lips as she no longer had the strength or willpower to keep their gazes connected. "Out in the field, sure, but outside of work where my walls naturally go up?” Now cue the bitter laugh. “There's a part of me that wants nothing more than to be by your side again, but then there's another part of me that wants nothing to do with you, at least not right now. I need _time_ , Spencer. All right?"  
  
Shoulders hunched together tightly, chin pointed down in clear discomfort – she was the perfect picture of misery right now. The epitome, if you will. And just as she had said, she wanted nothing more than to turn away from his face right now and pretend he didn't exist, at least for a little while. All while she also longed to stay right there with him, caught in the threads of a fragile moment in time.  
  
"Can I – can I at least drive you home? It's late and I –"  
  
Her shoulders hunched up further at the innocent comment her ego couldn't help but take as a degrading insinuation. "Spencer, I can take care of myself –"  
  
"Oh, no, no, that's not what – I'm not saying that, that you can't, merely expressing my worry for you getting home safely. You know I can take care of myself and yet you still worry about me, don't you?"  
  
He looked positively aghast at how his words had been received and Clair couldn't help but bristle reflexively one last time before finally letting her shoulders fall in rigid defeat. "Fine."  
  
Hope burst forth from his chest and bloomed so plainly on his face that the brunette felt her heart ache with the discord of wanting him and just wanting to _let him go._ That hopeful expression didn't last long, though, as she turned to continue past him and out the office doors into the cool night air.  
  
Air seeming to suck the very life from all around it, no stars in the sky like a black hole had come and swept everything away. No crickets chirping or cicadas to fill the precarious silence.  
  
Just...the two of them. Clair and Spencer. Their souls laid bare for the other to cradle tenderly, or crush into fragments of dust, if only they would even give the other the chance. A fighting chance...at a second chance.  
  
-  
  
It was dead silent in the car, but that wasn't what was causing the unease stirring up a troubling aura. It wasn't even the thoughts of Clair running rampant in his head like the only antidote able to cure any lingering poison or ill will.  
  
Clair had been on his mind this whole time, and she still was now. The only difference was simply that now she was here with him, in the flesh. In a setting not work related, but just as pissed off at him as she was when they were at the office, if not more so without Hotch to help keep her temper in check.  
  
A sensation that didn't begin to ease as Spencer caught her nodding off from the driver's mirror. She was so exhausted she seemingly couldn't help it; something Spencer knew to be true because she only slept like the dead when she was truly worn out and down for the count. It didn't matter that she was in the presence of someone she didn't exactly trust right now – and with good reason. All that mattered was that she was bone tired and in dire need of rest.  
  
Spencer sighed as he pulled to a stop on the side of the street next to her house, putting the car in park and letting it idle as he figured out what to do next. Where to go from here. Because for all his genius, he could be such a neanderthal. He was well aware of this particular shortcoming, and it drove him crazy just like it did everyone else.  
  
He had tried apologizing; that hadn't gone over too well. Realizing that maybe Clair really did need time to come to terms with her own feelings, Spencer contemplated apologizing again, but ultimately knew it wouldn't do him any good. He just felt so jittery, knowing that time was a necessary component to making things right, but how much time? Now that was the question that needed answered, only an answer was nowhere in sight.  
  
She was pissed off and hurting, and he couldn't blame her, or begrudge her the time necessary to grieve and move on. It just...sucked. A lot.  
  
"Clair," he finally spoke, voice soft. No answer. Right.  
  
He cleared his throat, anxious to try again, coming up short when he caught sight of her haggard form. And then, all he could do was look. Take her in like a lost traveler stumbling upon an oasis. Arms crossed over her chest almost defensively, but slack with the release of tension from pure exhaustion. Eyelashes flickering against pale, nearly gaunt cheeks. Freckles that had shone like stars once upon a time, instead losing their light and now fighting to be seen.  
  
Clair looked...more vulnerable than Spencer had ever seen her. Defenseless, really. As if she let her guard down solely due to her utmost trust for the man sitting directly next to her, but Spencer had gone and broken that trust not all that long ago, so that wasn't the case. Pure exhaustion, plain and simple.  
  
The pain of irony.  
  
Spencer smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes – dull like her freckles – before tightening his hands on the steering wheel and ultimately letting go so that he could wake her and time could begin its incessant, painful chatter once more.  
  
No. No, he just needed one more minute, one more moment where his breath felt caught in his chest, but things didn't feel so damn heavy and hopeless. Thinking of the dilaudid and how it would bring the smile he missed so much back to him was pointless, because he had made her a promise, and while his resolve was wavering in this moment, he wouldn't give in.  
  
He would simply...take the little he could gain from this moment – such a sliver of time, really – and go from there.  
  
Without thinking, he reached out, almost as if on instinct, and made to brush some stray curls back behind her ear, caressing her cheek in the process.  
  
Clair jolted awake, stiffening and refusing to relax even once she realized where she was and who she was with. Her mind deemed Spencer unsafe and as a result, her fight or flight response was being triggered right then; he could see it in her eyes.  
  
"We're here," Spencer murmured, after several unsuccessful attempts at clearing his throat.  
  
"Yeah, I can see that," she returned flatly. "Thanks for the ride."  
  
She made to get out of the car, but time seemed to slow down for Spencer then, forcing him into the very real and terrifying mindset that he would lose her for good if he didn't do something. And he couldn't lose her; he just couldn't.   
  
"At least...let me walk you to your door."  
  
There was a pause, chilling in its intensity as Clair put on her infamous ice queen persona. A shield that did its damndest to protect her despite how brittle it had become. "Fine..." she muttered, not wasting any time before getting out of the car and literally slamming the door shut in her haste to get away.  
  
Spencer felt his heart clench inside his chest at the thought. Knowing Clair and therefore her thought patterns, the brunette probably thought he was apologizing because he had no other choice, because he had finally realized that nothing else would make amends, but that was the farthest thing from the truth. True, he just wanted things to return to some semblance of normalcy, but he wasn't naive enough to think that everything could go back to normal just like that.  
  
He had simply...needed time to build up the confidence and attempt every futile plethora of words that wouldn't come out right no matter how many times he rambled them to himself in the mirror, or reworded everything completely, playing it back on repeat until his brain felt scrambled.  
  
So in a sense, it _hurt_ that she felt such a way, but again, after where they had ended up – after Spencer royally screwed up – he really couldn't blame her for being hurt, could he?  
  
He scrambled up the porch steps after her, nearly stumbling in surprise when all of a sudden she stopped right at the door. Her hand simply clutching at the frame in a way that symbolized one holding their hands to their heart as if able to soothe the inner turmoil inside by just rubbing at the skin. If only it were that simple; Spencer would have rubbed his skin raw by this point.  
  
Finally, after a long few seconds of resumed tense silence – broken only by the sound of the crickets chirping nearby – Clair spoke. "Regardless of how heavy I feel right now and how messy everything's become, I'm...I'm still sorry for your loss."  
  
Spencer cleared his throat awkwardly, touched beyond words and literally, too, as he couldn't seem to find any fitting enough to make it past his tongue. "I know you are. And I also know I don't exactly deserve your empathy right now, but I appreciate it nonetheless."  
  
Clair huffed a shaky laugh at that, yet again taking the young man by surprise. "Look at you, still using neat words like nonetheless..." Her hand attempted to grip the wooden door frame tighter, tight enough to potentially cause a splinter, before going limp and simply falling down to her side. "You're still the same, the same as you've always been. The same person I absolutely, positively adore, and I...I've tried so hard to let you go, but I can't. No matter what I do, I just can't stop loving you. It _hurts_."  
  
And then her hands were balling into fists as she began to shake, obviously overcome with intense emotion. Spencer could only allow his heart to clench tighter and tighter, feeling like it was caving in beneath the pressure of his ribcage. His mouth felt dry, but again, words refused to make themselves present in the otherwise thick air, any that he did think of evaporating almost instantly like mist.  
  
He wanted so badly to gather Clair up in his arms, but he knew that she would react similarly to a caged animal, and that his only option was to wait for her to come to him, however long that took. Still, he couldn't stop himself from taking a step forward, desperate to do something, anything –  
  
Only for her to turn and throw herself at him with all the ferocity of a pouncing lioness, sobbing loud and hitching breaths that caused a blossoming ache inside of Spencer. It must be hurting her to cry so viciously, just as it hurt him to hear such a thing.  
  
"I thought I lost you!" she managed through her tears and in between desperate gasps for air. "You were there physically, but you had never been so far away emotionally or mentally. I was so scared that you were lost to me forever...I still _am_ scared. Terrified. Yet here you are going through so much more and…I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you're not allowed to grieve. I'm sorry that I can't just turn my pain off. I know it’s nothing compared to yours…"  
  
Ever so slowly, Spencer wrapped his arms around her, enveloping her in a hold as tight as her fingers digging fiercely into his jacket, and feeling a prickling warmth begin to tear at his eyes. "A wise person once told me that others may have it worse, but that doesn't make us better. You're allowed to hurt. But it hurts me even more than I already am, to see you hurt." He swallowed thickly, attempting to form more words, failing and trying again. "I...I really am sorry, Clair. It was a fear of such strong intimacy, the likes of which I've never felt before, which is no excuse, but it's all I can offer you toward a reason why. I never meant for things to end up like this. I'm still here. You still have me. Always."  
  
Clair released a shuddering breath, continuing to sob in his arms, but her heartache had since grown quieter, simultaneously easing a good portion of the tension in Spencer as well. He gave a weak chuckle in response.  
  
"I can't believe I was so blind. You were right here this whole time..."  
  
And strange as it was to think, Spencer came to the stunning realization right then and there, that they had come full circle, the two of them. When they had met, things had started out as a mere feeling, a feeling of intuition, growing into a hope, a hope for maybe something more, and then a loud thought, and finally a word. A word which honestly, Spencer remained too afraid to speak aloud, for fear of ruining his chances any more than he already had.  
  
But here they were, or at the very least, here _he_ was, feeling that tickling warmth once more. Realizing it had never left, no matter all the time he'd spent thinking he cared for Maeve more than a friend. Even then, this feeling had been present. A loud buzzing like a honeybee working to satisfy its queen.  
  
"Clair...?"  
  
When she didn't answer, he gazed down at her and found her fast asleep, in an unusually deep sleep for her, so exhausted that she had done so while still on her feet and in her killer heels. Heels Spencer still couldn't believe she wore on a daily basis. He could barely stay upright in his sneakers some days it felt like.  
  
With a fond chuckle, he realized one more thing. He was in a bit of a pickle. Clair was in too deep a sleep to be waking up anytime soon and despite working for the FBI, Spencer's physical strength was on the lower end of the scale. Much lower. So there was no way he could lift her up to take her inside to her bed...  
  
Thank goodness for her porch swing then, because it was the only thing close enough to serve as a makeshift cot for the night. It was also a good thing that while Clair's mind had since booted down, her body hadn't become complete dead weight yet, providing Spencer the ability to finagle her down onto the swing with about as much grace as a penguin on anything but ice.  
  
He debated going to get a pillow or two, but decided against it, not willing to leave her for even a moment despite the lack of comfort that would mean here in an hour or so. It was completely irrational, his sudden longing to be by her side, but then...so was that thought turned word that had since become as loud as his heartbeat late at night, ringing in his ears and drumming a fierce tattoo against his ribs.  
  
Clair's head ended up on his shoulder, through no doing of Spencer's; the complete opposite of how she had been in the car. Her guard had still been up at the time like a mighty shield, but now her weapons had been laid to rest and she was currently leaving herself open and vulnerable, exposed to the possibility of being hurt.  
  
Spencer wouldn't do so again. Big words for a smart guy who knew next to nothing about romance in the literal sense. Sure, he'd read how many texts on the subject, but those were vastly different from what real life had to offer. But letting his thoughts spiral wouldn't do either of them any good so he did his best to take the advice Clair had once given him. _'If your thoughts seem endless, hell bent on torturing you, focus on some sort of physical sensation, whether it's just the wind in your hair or the sweat on your skin.'_  
  
It didn't always help, but a fair number of times it surprisingly had, and it had just stuck with him since then. So Spencer chose to focus on the sound of Clair's breathing and how her head felt against his shoulder. Firm and heavy, and _real._  
  
He thought of how they met and all their time spent together, all the cases they'd worked on; all in chronological order of course. And it wasn't long until thoughts of Maeve came back to him, reminding Spencer that he still needed to grieve a love lost, even though he'd faced some confusion at the time on who those feelings really belonged to.  
  
Deep down, though, he had known the truth, and Maeve doubtlessly had, too, seeing as Spencer had told her all about Clair; he’d been unable to stop rambling and raving about her in all honestly.  
  
Now he just had to let go of the ghost whom he had thought his heart belonged to. Easier said than done, as were many things in life, but it strangely felt easier with Clair's presence by his side.  
  
He would never forget Maeve, not now, not ever, but it was time to bury all of that in the past where it belonged. She had helped him figure himself out in a way Clair couldn't have. Had helped him see what was right in front of him, and he was grateful. And while he would always treasure his time spent with Maeve, he felt her lingering presence slip away like a ghost finally at peace, as it should have been all along.

**Author's Note:**

> Annnnnd guess who uses a shit ton of semi colons and dashes to separate her writing? Um...whoops? Just my style, I guess. I really hope that anyone who reads this ends up liking it and please let me know what you think of Clair! Just like me, she has certain people she prefers to others and ones she has stronger bonds with, and I have a lot of plans for utilizing that in writing so if you're curious about that, definitely stay tuned for more!
> 
> I will say that Clair and Spencer have this instant connection. It's not love at first sight or anything because god no, but they do have chemistry from the start, and while that's incredibly cliche, I know, it's also fitting for them and fitting of my own feelings for Spencer since I formed this instantaneous connection with him.
> 
> Also (just two more small things, I promise!), Spencer has been really awkward for me to write dialogue wise so I really had to start doing something with him that I also like to do just in general. I imagined him actually saying them in my head and changed certain things to fit better, so hopefully he sounds all right and isn't too OOC. And finally, I found an Unus Annus animatic with this song and was instantly able to picture pretty much all of this fic set to it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCEUpVukAe8
> 
> Thank you for reading, and if you not only made it through the fic, but read both of my rambling descriptions as well, kudos to YOU. You have my deepest thanks and Clair's approval.
> 
> Til next time,  
> Edea


End file.
